Fighting My Demons

I'm working on a theory about personal demons and BDSM. Some of us have them beaten out of us, and some of us beat them. I belong to the latter. I work out my aggression, my inadequacies, my fears, my frustration. I want to beat the demons but they have no substance, so sometimes when I play my partner takes the place of these qualities and I beat them back. I pound relentlessly. I am a Top for the power and the power trip, I felt below women in my adolescence and that they laughed at me and I'm sure I dominate women now to partially pay them back. So I can finally beat those hated humiliating memories. To be honest I can't say I have ever done this consciously.

I know bottoms who need to get beaten to cry and get the pain out and the demons in their heads. My demons are anger and frustration and doubt. I want to beat the demons, I want to fight back and I want to hit and scream and wrestle. In BDSM play, I get to be the person I am; that I don't want to be. I get to be cruel and threatening and vicious. I don't like that person. I don't want to act that way. My mind takes things to a dark place of stark survival. A place of clarity of action in a sea of moral confusion. A chance to not hold back all the fucking time. To scream and let go.

But it is in the end a pretty lie. BDSM play is very controlled and in the end I am controlling myself just as much. I know I fear that lack of control. Brutal violent sex is probably the only way I get to experience it. Well not true, wrestling is another way. So is racing. Martial arts. When I don't have to hold back. Magick. Singing as loud as I can. Hitting as hard as I can. Pushing me to the farthest I can go. That is why I am a top/sadist kinky person. I get to push farther. Violence to win or lose but to try as hard as I can. Embracing the inner madness, the uncivilized self, the self without limits. Crazy is someone who has no limits on them. Unpredictable. Savage. We accept it in small doses. From children and animals. Screaming, fighting, snarling, biting. Dominance. I get to establish dominance. I get to take it. I get to fight for it. I understand liking fear a little now, as a signal of dominance. I get to respond to Challenges of Dominance. My Demon is also civilization and control. It is my neck tie, my noose, my ring, and my shackles too.