Thanks Giving

I feel filled to the brim with happiness. I am thankful for this weekend. I am more thankful for this thanksgiving weekend than any I can think of. I met my girlfriend's parents and ate their wonderful food. I took a road trip with her and introduced her to my relatives, parents, cousins of all stripes. The poor girl was introduced to both parents, 2 aunts, 2 uncles, 5 cousins, 4 spouses of cousins, and 6 offspring of said cousins. She of course handled it with the kind of grace and aplomb I have come to cherish in her. I love my family, every single one of them, I miss that my sister was not there again this year but I am so grateful to see them, to be welcomed by them. They are an impressive group of folks. They are all smart and educated, they are thoughtful and silly, we tease each other and the only time you can be there without hearing laughter at least every 10 minutes is while we are pigging out on the food. I am thankful for my family, my blood. I am graced and blessed with wonderful blood kin. They are not witchy or kinky or liberal as I would like.... :) But I am happy and content in who they are.

I am feeling very grateful for self. I am happy with my life and myself. I learned a new definition for Sadist, one who likes to inflict/illicit any extreme sensation in another. I feel that way as a writer and an artist. How could I not feel that way in BDSM. I am making positive changes and actively learning. I am working on being more honest and vocal with myself. I did a bunch of Fetch work this weekend, work I didn't know was going to happen, but it did and it was good and happy that it did. I fed the fetch so much that it was strong and willing to be in charge and make decisions for me for a while. I had great keepers at the time who never had to reign me in but I knew would if needed. My magical life and my non-work life are crashing together until they are indistinguishable. Everything can be work, every challenge can be a learning experience. All acts of love and pleasure are My rituals. God Herself. That phrase makes me so happy. I cry and laugh every time I hear/read it, knowing that there is someone who gets me and how I feel about the divine.

I was blessed to become for a short while a beloved friend's lover's lover with my loving other ;) (say that fast biatch) Magical is all I can say, comfortable in every way possible, down to the naked time and the root beer floats. I was worried that the girls would hit it off better with each other than with me, that I would be left out, that I was accepted as a part of the package instead of wanted for myself. I am working on that because I know it not to be true. I think I didn't feel what I perceive to be “Want/Lust” the way I expect it. There was no seduction on my part, there was no fear and excitement of the chase or the loss of opportunity. It was a smooth transition of talk and play, and "Play", and sex and magic and silly and buffy and happy. I know that I connect only so deep because I allow it to only go so deep. It was my choice and my discomfort that did not allow for greater connection. I'm sitting with this and working through these feelings. I know they are just mine and I own them. And I am not ashamed or afraid of them. And I know putting them out in the open will allow me to work through them better.

It is funny how admitting to fear and worry can make it better. Having just written the last paragraph I feel better. Nothing has changed except I have pulled out the discomfort I put myself through with fear and admitted to it and looked at it and saw really that it was just fear. That the situation was different than ones I have been in the past. That the roles are more fluid than I was prepared for. And I am glad. If other people don't have to stay in their roles neither do I :) And that allows me freedom I didn't know I had.

I am blessed. I love my friends. And I love myself.